The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, “Case dismissed!”

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, “Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays.”

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, “But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant.”

The lawyer said, “Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists.”

The judge said, “The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, ‘The fool says in his heart, there is no God.’ Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.” You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!

Driving Information:

• To find anything in Burminham, it is required that you know where Malfunction Junction is, which is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. It may be one of only two ‘cloverleaf formation’ interchanges in the world. We invented it and only one other city was stupid enough to implement it again – Atlanta — making them only a wee bit dumber than we are.
• The morning rush hour is from 6:00to 10:00 . The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00 . Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday morning. If the term ‘merging delays’ is ever used by the person reporting the traffic, even in passing, call in to work and tell them that you will be at least 30 minutes late regardless of where you are in your commute.
• If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be (at the very least) rear-ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. This applies to male and female drivers alike.
• You must know that ‘I-459,’ ‘I-59,’ ‘I-20,’ and ‘I-65′ are the same road. They just loop around, cutting in and out of each other’s path. We think this was a ploy utilized to confuse outsiders and discourage visitors after the War of Northern Aggression.
• Always, always, always, find out if it is a race or football weekend before you get on any of these highways to travel somewhere. If it is a race or football weekend, stay home. You won’t be pleasantly going anywhere else.
• Construction is a permanent fixture in Alabama . The barrels are moved around in the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving a little more interesting.
• If someone has their turn signal on, wave them over to the shoulder immediately to let them know — you can be sure it was ‘accidentally activated’.
• The minimum acceptable speed on ‘I-65′ (see above) is > 85 mph – anything less is considered downright sissy.
• This is also Alabama ‘s state-highway-sponsored version of NASCAR — especially during rush hour (see above) and everyone in the city is driving at once, bumper-to-bumper. If you are in the left lane and only going 70 in a55-65 zone, you are considered a road hazard, and will be ‘flipped a bird’ accordingly.
• Do not gawk at the woman in the car beside you in traffic who is applying make-up, drinking a Diet Coke, smoking a Marlboro, and maintaining a steady speed of 85 mph on I-65 in rush hour traffic .. If she is coming from north of ‘Burminham, she might be packing. If she is coming from south of ‘Burminham’, she IS packing and is not afraid to use it.

Weather Information:

• If it’s 110 degrees, Thanksgiving could be next weekend. If it’s 10-20 degrees and sleeting or snowing, then watch out. Burminham residents consider this ‘demolition derby’ day and will be all over the roads (front ways, sideways, etc). Please proceed with caution, as you could be the next target.

Seasonal Information:

• If you stick to the seats in your vehicle, it is Spring.
• If you need to let the car ‘get some air’ while standing next to it with the doors open for a minute before you can stick your upper body inside to crank it and get the air going, it is Summer.
• If you are sweating even with the windows down, driving 55 mph, it is Fall.
• If you finally turn the AC off and roll your windows up, it is Winter.

General Information:

• Do not ever speak during the song ‘ Sweet Home Alabama ‘ unless it is to sing along with the lyrics. This is a form of heresy and will erupt in a brawl if everyone doesn’t show ‘proper respect’ to the band who gave us Free Bird. This is especially true if alcohol is present (notice I didn’t say’ sold at this event,’ but ‘present’).
• Yes, we know that Vulcan is mooning the entire city of Burminham. It’s not that funny to us anymore, and by now we’re used to it.
• If you ask someone for a ‘coke,’ they will often ask you, ‘What kind?’ This is not a trick question. Tell them what you want: Sprite, Dr. Pepper, Root Beer, etc., it is all ‘coke’.
• All tea is sweet. If it’s not sweet, you are in a Chinese restaurant or have crossed the Mason-Dixon Line .
• Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
• There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 of them live in Alabama ..
• There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Alabama , plus a couple no one’s seen before.
• If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
• Onced and Twiced are words.
• It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.
• People actually grow and eat okra.
• ‘Fixinto’ is one word.
• There is no such thing as ‘lunch..’ There is only dinner and then supper.
• Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you’re two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!
• Backwards and forwards means ‘I know everything about you.
• DGeet is actually a phrase meaning ‘Did you eat?’
• You don’t have to wear a watch because it doesn’t matter what time it is.
• You work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.
• You don’t PUSH buttons, you MASH them.
• You measure distance in minutes.
• You’ll probably have to switch from ‘heat’ to ‘A/C’ in the same day
• All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
• You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
• You carry jumper cables in your car. . . for your OWN car.
• There are only own four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.
• The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.
• The first day of deer season is a national holiday.
• 100 degrees Fahrenheit is ‘a little warm’.
• We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.
• Going to Wal-mart is a favorite pastime.
• Fried catfish is the other white meat.
• We don’t need no stinking driver’s ed … if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.

If you understand these jokes please forward them to your friends from Alabama (and those who just wish they were).

EVERYONE can’t be a Alabamian; it takes talent. You might say it’s an art form or a gift from God!

After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:

1. The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
3. People are spitting on the wrong side.

A Nigerian family of six con-artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.

An Islamic group of seven Kenyan welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.

Six Hispanic, Gang Banger, ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.

One white couple lived on the top floor.. The couple survived the fire.

Hearing this on national news, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton were furious…

They flew into Houston , teamed-up with Quannell X and quickly demanded a meeting with the Fire Chief. On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.

The Fire Chief replied, “They were at work.”

“Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat; $100 for the story,” said the wise old Chinaman.

The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. “I’ll just take the rat; you can keep the story.” As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster. A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward the ocean. Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Terrified, he ran to the edge of the water and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the out going tide. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the ocean after the bronze rat, and all were
drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop. “Ahhh,” said the owner, “You have come back for story?”

“No sir,” said the man. “I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat.”

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

‘When you finish cutting the grass,’ I said, ‘you might as well sweep the driveway.’

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

- The Baby Boomers, people born between 1946 and 1964.

- Generation X, people born between 1965 and 1983.

- Generation Y, people born between 1984 and 2002.

Why do we call the last one generation Y?

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry son, but I have some
bad news… the horse died.”

Chuck replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.”

The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

Chuck said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.”

The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”

Chuck said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”

The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”

Chuck said, “Sure I can, Watch me.  I just won’t tell anybody he’s
dead.”

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, “What happened
with that dead horse?”

Chuck said, “I raffled him off.  

I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.”

The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”

Chuck said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.”

Chuck grew up and now works for the government.

He’s the one who figured out how this “bail-out” is going to work.

2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.

3. I carry a gun cause a cop is too heavy.

4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.

5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him ‘Why do you carry a 45?’ Ranger responded, ‘Because they don’t make a 46.

6. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. ‘Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?’ ‘No Ma’am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my shotgun.’

7.  Beware the man who only has one gun. HE PROBABLY KNOWS HOW TO USE IT!!!

But wait, there’s more!

I was once asked by a lady visiting if I had a gun in the house.

I said I did.

She said ‘Well I certainly hope it isn’t loaded!’

To which I said, of course it is loaded, can’t work without bullets!’

She then asked, ‘Are you that afraid of someone evil coming into your house?’

My reply was, ‘No not at all. I am not afraid of the house catching fire either, but I have fire extinguishers around, and they are all loaded too.’

To which I’ll add, having a gun in the house that isn’t loaded is like having a car in the garage without gas in the tank.

— unknown